Please edit, rewrite, or whatever you see fit. My professor gave my essay bad marks for seeming repetitive. Can you PLEASE help me? The reading sources are attached “Earliest records…” as well as my essay for revision “ESSAY BAD”

Write a 2-3 page historical analysis of one or two of the primary (from the time and not Smits or Amino) texts below. Note: if choosing more than one, be sure to choose from the SAME bullet point group.  

Remember to check the rubric for general expectations.   

Select one or two of the “The Earliest Records of Japan”  

Please choose two from the reading attached. 

History Essay Rubric

Hist– Essay RubricCriteriaRatingsPts This criterion is linked to a Learning OutcomeWriting MechanicsGrammar, punctuation, etc.
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This criterion is linked to a Learning OutcomeOrganizationHow the essay is structured overall to develop the argument in a complete and logical manner, as well as, more locally, how paragraphs and ideas proceed from one to the next
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This criterion is linked to a Learning OutcomeAnalysis/InterpretationThis is an oversimplification, but consider the difference between explanation and description. UCLA’s Public History Initiative has a thoughtful discussion.
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This criterion is linked to a Learning OutcomeArgument and Thesis StatementArgument and thesis are not exactly the same thing, but are closely related. In your thesis statement, you state your argument about a given topic, and then, often in another sentence, you indicate how you will prove (support) your argument.
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This criterion is linked to a Learning OutcomeUse of EvidenceYour thesis needs to be grounded in primary materials, evidence from the time, community, person, etc.
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This criterion is linked to a Learning OutcomeQuality of EvidenceYou should draw on both primary and secondary materials, appropriately selected for an academic essay and relevant to the topic.
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This criterion is linked to a Learning Outcome Documentation. Please use Chicago Style notes & bib for your citations. If your in-text citations (footnotes preferred, endnotes acceptable) are complete, you don’t need to provide me with a separate works cited section at the end of your essay. Some texts may not be standard in their publication format, in which case you can check in with me and/or the TA. Lectures can be cited “Instructor, Title of the Lecture,  Course Number.” The Smits textbook can be informally cited with the author’s name, title, and “no other publication information available.”
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